The southern spokesperson

Last night I hung out with my friend from Pennsylvania (the same one from several posts ago), and once again she got me thinking. What can I say? She's very interested in learning about different cultures.

Here is the gist of our conversation:

Her: So I've been meaning to ask you, when people in the North fly rebel flags, what are they representing?
Me: You made me pause Food Network Star to ask me that?
Her: Well I figured you would know.
While her assumption was accurate, the whole conversation made me think about my newfound position as the self-proclaimed spokesperson of the South. Until my Southern awakening in undergrad, I had about as much Southern knowledge as a Northerner.

But then again, a lot of the people I grew up with didn't either. I went to school with several people who thought the South won the Civil War, but that's a whole different conversation.

What's that I hear? A chorus of rebel yells coming from my hometown?
I hate to crush their dreams and tell them the truth but here it goes... we lost the Civil War.

Here are things I knew about the South when I was growing up:

1. We lost the Civil War and a lot of people were not happy about it
2. Outsiders thought it was funny when we said "Y'all"
3. We blessed more people than the Pope (Women blessed hearts; men blessed people out)
4. The redneck parade marked the start of every school year (This was when all the rednecks in the school - 50% of the people - got in trucks, flew rebel flags and drove around the school parking lot. Yeehaw.)
5. Saying "please," "thank you," "ma'am" and "sir" were not options, they were strict rules.

But even after my Southern awakening, I still held more cultural than historical knowledge. That is until I took History of the South my senior year of college. It changed my whole world and with that semester in my back pocket, I am now a plethora of random Southern knowledge.

So bless her heart, at this time in my life, my friend accurately assumed I would have the answer to most any Southern question. Thank you Dr. Speer for teaching me well.

The southern belle card

I have noticed a running trend at my workplace. Whenever I need to negotiate with external people (sometimes internal people as well) my boss and I agree that I should pull the southern belle card.

Sweet, southern belles. How can you say no to that?

This, of course, meaning that I thicken up the proper part of my accent and raise my voice by an octave - something I have been perfecting since my childhood. 

Oh, and batting my eyelashes is a crucial part of the process. This must be done as though the person on the other end of the phone can actually see you. Quit laughing. I'm serious - It actually helps create the persona.

But today, I outdid myself. To the delight of my boss, I managed to successfully become the snarky southern belle.

That's right. I was the southern belle's antithesis while also being the southern belle. And I got my way.

Could I do again? Probably not. Am I even sure how I did it? Not at all. Am I super proud? Absolutely.

Now, I know what you're thinking. Southern belles can be snarky and sassy. And I agree, but usually when you're trying to play the southern belle card, you don't incorporate anything except pristine, sweet femininity.

Snarky doesn't fall in that category.

Bless my heart, this was a one time performance!

The economic accent

After my last post about the difference in accents I got into a very interesting discussion with a friend from Pennsylvania about regional accents. She was asking me about different parts of North and South Carolina and whether I could tell a difference.

As a general rule the answer was yes. What can I say? I'm the Rain Man of southern dialects.

However, the whole discussion got me thinking about how different dialects can be even within a single town. And that's when it hit me.

Accents and affluence are incredibly interconnected.

I really began to notice this when I moved to Savannah. The only people I have heard speak with a genuine low country accent have been very affluent and highly educated or cultured.

In The Notebook, Lon was from old southern money and his accent reflected it.

Back home, the people who tend to speak with a redneck accent also tend to not have very much money, traditional education (grammar, math, geography, etc.) or culture.

I'm going to bet that this gentleman speaks a different dialect than ol' Lon Hammond.

This is, of course, a generalization, but it has been my experience that accents follow money. The more affluent the person, the more pristine and proper the accent.

Just a little food for thought.

But then again, bless my heart, I'm highly traditionally educated and my accent does not exactly reflect that circumstance.

The perfect accent

I recently encountered a woman who has the perfect Southern accent. She's a Savannah, Georgia native and, with impressive finesse, drops the letter "r" in any word possible. Love it!

My own accent lacks the sugary sweetness of hers. When I say "bless your heart" people assume I'm being rude (which usually isn't a bad assumption), but when she says "bless your heart" people assume she's being sincere (although I'm not sure they should).

I've made many friends in Savannah who aren't from the South and I always have to give the high country versus low country talk. Most people genuinely don't realize there is a difference in dialect and accent.

Wrong.

I managed to find a couple YouTube videos to demonstrate the difference. The first one is a girl potentially from my own hometown in North Carolina. Her accent is genuine and very representative of our accent.

The second video is of a woman giving tips on how to do a deep southern accent (think Scarlett O'Hara). I apologize in advance because she sounds like an idiot and her accent is clearly fake. However, after much searching and little reward, this is the best I could find. You'll get the gist of it.

If you didn't know the difference in accents, then bless your heart I hope you learned something today. And yes, your assumption is correct -- I meant that "bless your heart" to be snarky.

My my, how things change

Well fair readers, I stumbled upon an interesting article this morning in the New York Times. The headline reads "For New Life, Blacks in City Head South."

Really now? I'm intrigued. Tell me more.

Apparently a lot of black New Yorkers, particularly those in Queens, are moving South because of our low real estate prices, economic opportunities and soured racial relations. According to the article,

"About 17 percent of the African-Americans who moved to the South from other states in the past decade came from New York, far more than from any other state, according to census data. Of the 44,474 who left New York State in 2009, more than half, or 22,508, went to the South, according to a study conducted by the sociology department of Queens College for The New York Times."

Really now? Economic opportunities? Because the last time I checked, the counties around my hometown had some of the highest unemployment rates in the state (almost 2% higher than New York I might add). And this mass exodus from New York is targeting North Carolina, Florida, Virginia and Georgia. Interesting.

My other favorite part of the article was this catchy little line --

“My grandmother’s generation left the South and came to the North to escape segregation and racism,” she [Ms. Wilkins] said. “Now, I am going back because New York has become like the old South in its racial attitudes.”

Really now? Because the last time I checked (which was some time in the last month) I was informed that the South is still incredibly segregated, particularly in cities.

So essentially, everyone wants to talk about how bad the racial tension is in the South, but now the truth is coming out. The truth being that there is racial tension everywhere, ours just happens to historically pack more gusto.

Very interesting. I'm actually shocked by this article. I honestly believed that everyone still thought the South was this antebellum museum of racial tension and men wearing bed sheets.

Bless my heart, I stand corrected. Thank you New York Times.

Feng Shui (a.k.a. Fung Shway)

I recently spent some time at a very special multi-million dollar home on Skidaway Island, Georgia.

I know what you're thinking, what multi-million dollar house isn't special? I know mine is. Oh wait...

Sorry, I digress. So what makes this house so special is that the owners, a Chinese couple, planned everything (even the foundation, which had to be re-done 3 times) according to the principles of feng shui.

Feng Shui Map

Again, I know what you're thinking, that stupid Fung Shway is a bunch of gibberish and can't possible work. I confess to you dear readers that I too was a non-believer... until I walked into this house.

As soon as I walked in I felt at peace. All the energy was in balance as was my chi. I hadn't even realized it wasn't.

The whole experience got me thinking about the South and all of its issues.

Maybe the South has bad feng shui and out of balance chi. I suggest we get specialists involved right away and save ourselves another 150 years or so of turmoil. Agreed?

Attitudes like this are how we got in this predicament.

Bless our hearts, if all it takes is a little re-arranging of energy to fix everything then that would just be... I just don't even know!

Football vs. Futbol

Prepare yourself football fans. Swaddle yourself in team colors, rub your Joe Montana bobblehead and schedule an emergency therapy session because the truth is about to come out.

Soccer is better than football. Period.

Valid point.

Honestly, I've never paid much mind to football loyalists. I appreciate the intensity of the sport, which is usually less than the intensity of the fans in my experience. And I appreciate the range of skills needed and all that jazz.

Need I say more?

But at the end of the day, I've just always known that soccer was better so I kept my mouth shut and let footballers live their dream.

Until now. Now it's personal.

My nephew has a football themed nursery. My sister and I have been avid soccer players and fans since we were 5. If you do the math you will realize that something isn't adding up and that something is my brother-in-law.

A southern man and by nature a football fan. Fail.

Since the day my sister found out she was pregnant she and I have been fighting an uphill battle, arguing our case for why we think Lucas (my nephew) should play soccer.

Given all the "discussions" that have ensued I can only come up with a few plausible outcomes:

1. He'll harness his rebel genes and play tennis just to spite us all
2. He'll be in the 2022 World Cup in Qatar
3. He'll play football (that is worst case scenario)

I hate to be the bearer of bad news for my brother-in-law but soccer starts a younger age than football. Bless his heart, I know someone who's getting "Soccer for Dummies" for Christmas this year.

She was wearing what?

I apologize dear readers, but I'm going to have to keep today's post short and sweet.

I offer you an anecdote told to me by my roommate, who always tends to stumble upon the damndest things.

A few days ago my roommate was sitting in traffic in the parking lot of our neighborhood Home Depot (after this story you will understand why I am a strict Lowe's Hardware shopper).

As he was waiting he happened to glance out his passenger side window where he noticed a strange sight.

A white-trash woman (sorry for the political incorrectness - I'm just the messenger) got out of the passenger side of a beat-up car in a pair of shorts so short that Daisy Duke would have been offended and a bra. No shirt.

In my mind it looked like this, but trashier.

She proceeded to put on a shirt, take something (presumably money) from a very large man in the front seat. As she walked away, he drove away. Interesting.

My roommate felt sure he had just witnessed sexual solicitation, a.k.a. prostitution.

No offense to the happy duo, but this kind of activity seems better suited for the WalMart parking lot.

But I guess sometimes the country comes into the city.

Bless his heart, maybe taking her to the Home Depot parking lot was the prostitution equivalent of a man taking his woman to the McDonald's and letting her supersize her order. Classy and respectful.

Is John Deere married to Jane Deere?

Growing up, my family was anything but redneck. Sure we lived in a small town and did small town activities, but those activities did not include NASCAR, cow tipping or anything involving tractors or tractor accessories.

Things are a little different now.

First, my father moved out to an even more rural area which abides by the "tractor factor." Meaning that in the same way that city folk don't travel during rush hour, country folk don't travel during prime tractor time.

You can't fathom how long it takes to get somewhere when you are stuck behind a tractor going 5 mph. Trust me. And most all the tractors I've seen are John Deere.

Side note: My father may live in a rural area, but he is far from redneck. He just enjoys a simplier lifestyle, which I have to say I thoroughly enjoy myself.

Then my sister married a redneck. A legitimate redneck. We have affectionately dubbed them "The Rednecks."

Side note: My sister is a semi-legitimate redneck now, complete with a John Deere themed kitchen and dining room.

Legit rednecks. God bless them - I love them!

At Christmas a few years back, my father even bought my sister a Jane Deere sweatshirt.

That's right folks -- Jane Deere. Potential wife of John Deere, but I haven't researched their relationship status of late.

So I ask you fair readers - what is with the Southern obsession with the Deere clan? Someone please tell me, because I would love to know.

Bless her heart, I even had a friend in college who had a John Deere tattoo on her lower abdomen.

That's right. Lower Abdomen.

Life on the outside

After yesterday's post, I started wondering - what's life like outside of the South?

Sure, I spent 24 hours driving to Colorado where I spent 2 glorious days exploring the area around Aspen.  However, I slept through 60% of the drive, so I learned little to nothing about the rest of the country during my adventure.

So other than cell phone pictures of the Mississippi River and the jail where Charlie Sheen was held, I'm still at a loss for what it's like on the other side.


Oh Charlie Sheen. Seeing that jail was the highlight of my trip.



I hear my non-southern friends talk about their experiences and how different it is, but no one can seem to pinpoint what is so different.



Clearly we do things differently, but I just can't put my finger on exactly what it is.

They say there isn't segregation and no one cares about race outside of the South, but from what I've gathered, all cities seem to be segregated in one way or another whether intentionally or unintentionally.

My friends tell me that we do things slower in the South. I have to disagree again... to an extent of course.



Cities are fast-paced, even in the South. Rural areas are slow-paced, even outside the South. That seems to me to be less of a regional issue and more of a population issue.

So how else are we different?

I wouldn't know. I haven't really left.

But bless my heart, with an possibly impending trip to Utah I'm sure I will find out!

Southern Geography

Not too long ago I was having a conversation with a co-worker (and fellow Southerner). It went something like this:

Me: I've only traveled out of the south once and that was a 2 day excursion to Colorado.
Her: Really? But you are really well-spoken.

Then last night I was discussing with my roommate the possibility of a trip to Utah. The conversation went like this:

Me: So I was thinking about going to Utah.
Him: Like flying there? In a plane?
Me: ...seriously? Yes, in a plane.
Him: I'm impressed. You know that's across the Mississippi, right?

If these incidents had been isolated they wouldn't have had the same impact. But they really got me thinking.

Most of my Southern friends and family have rarely (if ever) traveled outside of the South, much less outside of the country.

And the lack of geographical knowledge is astounding. Start throwing out names like Ontario, Malasia, Albania or New York and you're going to need an atlas and a lot of time and patience.

So why is it that Southerners know so little about the rest of the country (and world)? Obviously this is a generalization, but in my experience it tends to be a more prominent generalization among Southerners.

Is the South just so amazing that we have no need to learn about anything else? Or have our 6th grade geography teachers failed us?

I don't think there is any sort of answer to this question, but I do think it is an important issue that needs to be addressed.

And for the record, yes, I am a Southern woman who has barely traveled outside the South. And yes, I am very well-spoken. My Southern education has served me well, thank you very much.

If your geography skills are a little lackluster, then bless your heart, I guess I know what to get you for Christmas.

Diamond rings and Hot Chelle Rae

Because of my status as a southern woman, I always assumed I would be married before I was 25.

Well you know what happens when you assume.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to be the Charlotte York of Savannah and run a campaign for nuptials. But for a long time it bothered me that I was a 23-year-old with no prospect speeding toward me on a white horse. I felt like a failure to my heritage and an anomaly in my county.

Not anymore, because last night I had an encounter with Hot Chelle Rae's song "Tonight Tonight."

But I'm getting ahead of myself here. Let me back up.

Last night, before my Hot Chelle Rae epiphany, I went on a casual date with a guy I met a few weeks ago. He was a total gentleman and we had a perfectly lovely evening filled with good conversation and delicious food.

But I noticed that the entire night I kept talking about my summer internship and how much I loved my work. At one point I even said how "career-minded" I was.

Then I realized it was true. I am extremely career-minded and I like it that way. Marriage would be nice, but it's not an immediate priority and that's okay.

And as the weight lifted from my shoulders, I had a little talk with myself:
It's 2011 for Christ's sake, Megan. Southern women can do more than get married and juggle children, careers and husbands. We can even drive cars now... and wear pants. Live your life!

Now to the Hot Chelle Rae portion of the evening. When I arrived home my roommate informed me that he had finally downloaded "Tonight Tonight," and proceeded to play it.

As I danced around the kitchen baking muffins to the rhythm of that hilarious song at 11:00 at night, I realized that I am happy. And I'm single.

But bless the heart of any man who marries me, he might want to see my white girl dancing skills before he makes any rash decisions.

Hollar? No, Hauler!

I apologize fair readers for neglecting my blog for so long, but I come to you today with a heavy heart and sad news.

Living in Savannah is causing me to lose my southernness - well, my ability to understand Southern speak anyway... let's not get carried away here.

Allow me to offer you an example. I felt like a Northerner - no offense to any Northern readers - because on my most recent trip home, my own sister had to explain herself.

My Sister: "We had a great time at the [NASCAR] race last weekend."
Me: "Oh yeah? That's great!"
Sister: "On the way out we saw all the haulers!"
Me: "I didn't know Charlotte [North Carolina] had hollars?"
Sister: "No, not hollars as in hollows or places to live, but haulers as in the trucks that carry the race cars from race to race."
Me: "Oh. So there was a 'u' in that word?"
Sister: "I guess. You know I'm a bad speller."

Kasey Kahne's Hauler.

Loretta Lynn's Holler (It's usually spelled with an 'e' in areas such as Kentucky).

You see? I've lost it. At any other time in my life that conversation would have gone very differently.

I've lost the ability to interpret mispronounced/dropped vowels. That's essentially the basis for all Southern language.

What will become of me?

On this saddest of days, the only heart that needs blessing is my own. So bless my heart, I sure hope I can regain my Southern translation abilities or I will surely perish.